Taking a page from Simon Cowell's very public "birthday gift to himself", I too will attempt to write a letter to myself in a similar manner, but referencing the present day.
You are often times air-headed and slow, a simpleton at best. If you could take advantage of some common sense fifty percent more of the time, you would achieve an acceptable level of survival. Otherwise, it is basically doomed for you and your offspring.
You have a habit to consider yourself better than others. Why would anyone want an arrogant person around, unless they too, felt themselves better than everyone else. Fat-headed, round-waisted, simple-minded: you have absolutely no reason to think highly of yourself.
Goals are set in your mind, but you have no clear objectives on how to achieve them. You assume these things will fall into place, naturally, and without effort. If your naive spirit could take a backseat you might get a taste of reality from time to time.
You are a natural spender. Money will come harder and harder as you get older and older. Saving now for your retirement would include being smart, so of course what reason would you have to do it?
Also, your sarcasm is nauseating. Please stop.
I think your first and foremost goal should be to get into some kind of shape, you lifeless mass of fat. Look at you, dressed in your pajamas at 11 in the morning; what kind of life is that? You are a slob. Get dressed, finish your work, and get a job.